two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
