Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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