I seem to have left my pride at pride
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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