I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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