I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
