I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
