i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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