someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
