8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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