I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize