You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize