i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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