I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
