If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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