**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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