Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
