I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
