You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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