he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
