he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
