I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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