Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
