i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
