yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize