I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you mean i was at the winter classic?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
