so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Two words: blizzard sex
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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