4 words: hood of his car
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
