I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
