Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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