The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
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