Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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