OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
