My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
