That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize