i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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