It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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