so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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