someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
