I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
