I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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