Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
