he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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