In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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