i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
