can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
