I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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