Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
