This is not my ceiling
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
