i think my tv is drunk
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
