the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize