I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
