So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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