my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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