i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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