Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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