You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We left the knife in your bed.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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