So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
